I've been spending more time really watching my son lately. He's just shy of turning four. Has huge, heart-melting brown eyes. Eyelashes that go on for days. A smile that's like a warm hug. And since the moment I met him, he's been mine.
But he's growing up and sure enough, he's into cars...okay, so he's really into hot rods. And when I stepped outside last night, he came to stand between my husband and I and I quickly realized that, like his father, his hands were oily and dirty. At least one of his legs had a big grease smear. And he smelled like sweat. It was the official sign that he's becoming a boy. A part of me cried silently while another part of me celebrated.
And so this feeling of being two people in a single body continues to grow. I'm extremely sad about 'losing' my babies but at the same time,
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
'til Death
My husband and I have been planning our 5-year anniversary, which is really our honeymoon considering we bought a house instead of going somewhere exotic five years ago. And I do think about this trip every day. I'm excited about getting away. I'm looking forward to the quiet. And I'm scared about spending seven days alone with my husband.
You see, we haven't had a date night in ages. We don't always have a million things to talk about (except for the kids), and I'm not even sure we really understand one another all that well anymore. So my expectations are for us to spend the first few days unwinding and the remaining few days really enjoying being ourselves-stress free.
But what gets me even more as we approach the five-year mark, is how much I still love him. Looking back, I know I was a crazy fool to get married after dating for just six months. I know we rushed into it. I know we didn't necessarily know each other or share the same dreams. And I knew that I had a habit of falling out of love, or at least interest, very easily and very quickly.
And yet here we are, and I still get excited about running into him during the day. I love getting little calls about nothing...secretly hoping he just wanted to hear my voice. I love those moments he touches me on accident and my skin tingles, and he doesn't even know it. And I adore laughing with him...for no reason or for something our children did.
A few years ago my mom explained to me that as we get older in our relationships, the love evolves. So while you may believe you love that person more, more than likely, it's just that what you feel has evolved. Your appreciation has grown. You've matured together and have helped shape who the other has become. At the time I didn't understand, and I'm sure I still don't completely, but I do feel or love has changed...has matured. And has become something I hope never fades. For all his faults and my own, it's a beautiful relationship, and I truly believe I'm a better person for knowing him.
You see, we haven't had a date night in ages. We don't always have a million things to talk about (except for the kids), and I'm not even sure we really understand one another all that well anymore. So my expectations are for us to spend the first few days unwinding and the remaining few days really enjoying being ourselves-stress free.
But what gets me even more as we approach the five-year mark, is how much I still love him. Looking back, I know I was a crazy fool to get married after dating for just six months. I know we rushed into it. I know we didn't necessarily know each other or share the same dreams. And I knew that I had a habit of falling out of love, or at least interest, very easily and very quickly.
And yet here we are, and I still get excited about running into him during the day. I love getting little calls about nothing...secretly hoping he just wanted to hear my voice. I love those moments he touches me on accident and my skin tingles, and he doesn't even know it. And I adore laughing with him...for no reason or for something our children did.
A few years ago my mom explained to me that as we get older in our relationships, the love evolves. So while you may believe you love that person more, more than likely, it's just that what you feel has evolved. Your appreciation has grown. You've matured together and have helped shape who the other has become. At the time I didn't understand, and I'm sure I still don't completely, but I do feel or love has changed...has matured. And has become something I hope never fades. For all his faults and my own, it's a beautiful relationship, and I truly believe I'm a better person for knowing him.
Parental Selfishness
I hate myself a little tonight. I finally had a good, busy day at work after an uphill battle that seemed to be taking forever to reach the peak...the recession is in full swing. Needless to say, I was exhausted mentally and really feeling pretty tired physically (I got up at 5 this morning only to go lay in bed with my son).
Caden wanted to play outside from the moment we got home; that is, after he was informed that we got home too late to watch Curious George. It was drizzling. Dad came inside to relax. And baby sister was having a rough night.
Finally, knowing that I needed to get out and run a few miles since I failed to get outside earlier, and knowing that only bad parents have their children watch TV all night, I went out with my boy. All he wanted to do was swing-which is amazing. He finally has the foot kick mastered. He loves to go high...and can do so without sliding out of the seat. I'm proud and yet still very anxious to have some 'me' time. So I ask if he can swing alone for awhile so I can go run. He's fine with it and is playing happily as I walk away. Myself, I'm feeling guilty and evil and yet a little relieved all at once.
My jog kind of sucked. I got a side ache after about a mile and a half. And I began to worry about him getting caught in the swing or falling from his fort...or something worse. So after a brief two miles, I headed home. He heard me coming and hollered for me to join him over by the fort. He was examining bugs and having a great time...again, I felt a great sense of guilt. I can choose running over my son and he still gets excited to see me.
I guess I don't really understand how, as children, we can be so accepting and now as adults we're so focused on ourselves? I find myself wanting to escape a lot lately, and it's horrid but the honest truth. For as genuine and caring and unselfish as our children are, I'm still craving to be alone. To figure out who I am at this stage in my life...and it makes me wonder if I'm better for it or worse...
Caden wanted to play outside from the moment we got home; that is, after he was informed that we got home too late to watch Curious George. It was drizzling. Dad came inside to relax. And baby sister was having a rough night.
Finally, knowing that I needed to get out and run a few miles since I failed to get outside earlier, and knowing that only bad parents have their children watch TV all night, I went out with my boy. All he wanted to do was swing-which is amazing. He finally has the foot kick mastered. He loves to go high...and can do so without sliding out of the seat. I'm proud and yet still very anxious to have some 'me' time. So I ask if he can swing alone for awhile so I can go run. He's fine with it and is playing happily as I walk away. Myself, I'm feeling guilty and evil and yet a little relieved all at once.
My jog kind of sucked. I got a side ache after about a mile and a half. And I began to worry about him getting caught in the swing or falling from his fort...or something worse. So after a brief two miles, I headed home. He heard me coming and hollered for me to join him over by the fort. He was examining bugs and having a great time...again, I felt a great sense of guilt. I can choose running over my son and he still gets excited to see me.
I guess I don't really understand how, as children, we can be so accepting and now as adults we're so focused on ourselves? I find myself wanting to escape a lot lately, and it's horrid but the honest truth. For as genuine and caring and unselfish as our children are, I'm still craving to be alone. To figure out who I am at this stage in my life...and it makes me wonder if I'm better for it or worse...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Getting Comfortable In My 'New' Skin
Driving home from work today I felt something I don't really remember feeling before. My day wasn't overly special, in fact, I felt as though I had failed a little at my job today...but when I picked up my kids and my son's Toddler Gram said that he had gone potty like a big boy all day. That he was still wearing the same training pants he had on that morning when I dropped him off, I was beyond proud. I was thrilled. I was happy. I honestly believe I felt glee.
I've never considered myself a real soccer mom. I don't shop at mom stores. I don't base who I am on my children. But today was a little different. My son had accomplished something I was beginning to think was impossible. And he did it without someone telling him to.
And after I let him have ice cream before dinner to celebrate, I sat and watch him. I witnessed my son grow. I saw him take one more step away from being a toddler and a huge leap toward being a young boy. And it was really beautiful.
And I felt glee for the first time in my life. And it was amazing.
I've never considered myself a real soccer mom. I don't shop at mom stores. I don't base who I am on my children. But today was a little different. My son had accomplished something I was beginning to think was impossible. And he did it without someone telling him to.
And after I let him have ice cream before dinner to celebrate, I sat and watch him. I witnessed my son grow. I saw him take one more step away from being a toddler and a huge leap toward being a young boy. And it was really beautiful.
And I felt glee for the first time in my life. And it was amazing.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tantrums aren't just for toddlers
I often find myself telling my husband that I need a break. From him. From the kids...from this little domestic life I've helped build. He usually looks at me like I'm crazy (which at that point I probably am) and let's me go...for an hour or two.
So this time I got a little help. My mom, two sisters and I planned a shopping day-a return of the annual sidewalk sale-in our hometown. We got a babysitter for three of our four children (the baby had to come with us) and we were off. It was a beautiful day. Good conversation. Lots of shopping. Like any other time we get together, it went by way too fast and we were left with untold stories, clothes we wished we would have gotten and a few too many calories. But we were relaxed and refreshed.
That is, until the next morning. Mom and I ran back into 'town' to hit a store I don't have access to here. This time, because men cannot watch two small children while they watch TV, both of my kiddos came along. Normally, this is no big deal. I have great kids who love to shop. But today, both were in need of more sleep. Their own beds. You get the picture.
My son and daughter both rode in the front of the cart...and he was either grabbing her arm or yelling in her itty bitty 9-month old ears or taking toys away from her the entire time. I tried patiently speaking to him about his behavior. I raised my voice slightly. I put my eyes four inches from his and clenched my teeth. I squeezed his arm so that I wouldn't cause a scene but he'd get my point...finally, in the juice aisle and in front of about 10 people, I broke.
Still clenching my teeth and with eyes the size of golf balls, I let out this strange scream/groan mix and told him I was done...as I turned to give myself a time-out, an employee came over and starting talking to my son. She gave the impression that she was afraid I was going to hit him. She gave me the 'you're-a-bad-mom-and-I've-figured-you-out' face and eventually walked away.
Yes, I felt bad. Yes, I was exhausted...and yes, I wanted to run away for a week or two and come back as though nothing happened. But my tantrum ended right then and there when my son looked at me with his huge brown eyes and pouty mouth and said: "Mommy...i really don't like her."
His innocence and brutal honesty save me every time.
So this time I got a little help. My mom, two sisters and I planned a shopping day-a return of the annual sidewalk sale-in our hometown. We got a babysitter for three of our four children (the baby had to come with us) and we were off. It was a beautiful day. Good conversation. Lots of shopping. Like any other time we get together, it went by way too fast and we were left with untold stories, clothes we wished we would have gotten and a few too many calories. But we were relaxed and refreshed.
That is, until the next morning. Mom and I ran back into 'town' to hit a store I don't have access to here. This time, because men cannot watch two small children while they watch TV, both of my kiddos came along. Normally, this is no big deal. I have great kids who love to shop. But today, both were in need of more sleep. Their own beds. You get the picture.
My son and daughter both rode in the front of the cart...and he was either grabbing her arm or yelling in her itty bitty 9-month old ears or taking toys away from her the entire time. I tried patiently speaking to him about his behavior. I raised my voice slightly. I put my eyes four inches from his and clenched my teeth. I squeezed his arm so that I wouldn't cause a scene but he'd get my point...finally, in the juice aisle and in front of about 10 people, I broke.
Still clenching my teeth and with eyes the size of golf balls, I let out this strange scream/groan mix and told him I was done...as I turned to give myself a time-out, an employee came over and starting talking to my son. She gave the impression that she was afraid I was going to hit him. She gave me the 'you're-a-bad-mom-and-I've-figured-you-out' face and eventually walked away.
Yes, I felt bad. Yes, I was exhausted...and yes, I wanted to run away for a week or two and come back as though nothing happened. But my tantrum ended right then and there when my son looked at me with his huge brown eyes and pouty mouth and said: "Mommy...i really don't like her."
His innocence and brutal honesty save me every time.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Is it possible to feel too much guilt?
I've always felt a certain level of guilt throughout my life. When I was a kid, I felt a little bad that my oldest sister had to make the mud pies for my dolls and I...she didn't want to be a mom. I felt guilty every time my parents faught. Surely they would have nothing to argue about if it wasn't for their kids screwing up, right? After I was convicted of DUI, I felt guilty for being so stupid...or maybe for being caught. Because the million times I had done it before that, I don't remember feeling all that guilty.
Until the last few years, I have dealt with my guilt. It was always there, but tucked away and virtually forgotten until something else to feel guilty about came around. Now, I feel guilty for a million things. They haunt my dreams at night, and clutter my mind all day. Worst of all, they're constant...
I feel endless guilt because:
1. I'm married and no longer want come and go without checking in on my husband
2. I have kids and want to be with them every chance I get
3. I have a full-time job that I love but yet feel like I'm missing out on some of the best days with my kids
4. I don't live minutes away from my parents or in-laws...makes it hard for grandparents to come watch their grandchildren play sports, be in plays, etc.
5. I fantasize about living in a 'big' city and living my original dream
6. I daydream about walking away from my career and seeing what else is out there
7. I can't give my kids the hottest toys, electronics...
8. I can't financially support my husband so he can chase his dreams
9. I didn't move to Portland with Wendy after I graduated from college
10. I can't open up to my dad...about all I want for him and all I wish he would have done for me
People around me say I should let it go and move on. You know, the "Life's too short" mentality. Or there are the mom blogs that say you should find balance...is that even possible? All I know is that this could be my biggest hurdle as I close in on 30 and work toward letting go and moving on a better person.
Until the last few years, I have dealt with my guilt. It was always there, but tucked away and virtually forgotten until something else to feel guilty about came around. Now, I feel guilty for a million things. They haunt my dreams at night, and clutter my mind all day. Worst of all, they're constant...
I feel endless guilt because:
1. I'm married and no longer want come and go without checking in on my husband
2. I have kids and want to be with them every chance I get
3. I have a full-time job that I love but yet feel like I'm missing out on some of the best days with my kids
4. I don't live minutes away from my parents or in-laws...makes it hard for grandparents to come watch their grandchildren play sports, be in plays, etc.
5. I fantasize about living in a 'big' city and living my original dream
6. I daydream about walking away from my career and seeing what else is out there
7. I can't give my kids the hottest toys, electronics...
8. I can't financially support my husband so he can chase his dreams
9. I didn't move to Portland with Wendy after I graduated from college
10. I can't open up to my dad...about all I want for him and all I wish he would have done for me
People around me say I should let it go and move on. You know, the "Life's too short" mentality. Or there are the mom blogs that say you should find balance...is that even possible? All I know is that this could be my biggest hurdle as I close in on 30 and work toward letting go and moving on a better person.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Evolution of Friends
I'm not sure if it's my mood today or if this is a sign of what my blog might become, but I've been haunted by a few things over the years. And the hardest to let go of is the role each of my bridesmaids play in my life today. Are we crazy for thinking these are the same women who will be there for us down the road? Let's take a look at where mine sit just shy of my five-year wedding anniversary:
1. Matron of Honor: My oldest sister plays a larger role than she did. Although we may never have nor will sit and giggle about boys or gossip, I know she'll be there if I come right out and ask her to be.
2. Maid of Honor: My middle sister. She has played the role of best friend since we got mom to buy us Heather and Amy at Skagway. And she's the last person I expected to drift from. As much as I hate that our dream of living next door to each other in south Lincoln fading away, I still hope that we can one day get back to where we were, or at least appreciate how our relationship has evolved over time. She probably knows me or knew me better than anyone and I do feel a little void in my life where she once was. My biggest fear is that my marriage is to blame for our separation.
3. My Step-Daughter: She's 16 now and doesn't need me to be a mother. I'd like to be a friend but somehow the issues I have with both her father's and mother's parenting styles get in the way and make me feel like a shallow, horrible person. If you haven't caught this yet, our relationship is struggling for no apparent reason.
4. My Best Friend from High School: She lives states away now but every time we speak or email, it's like nothing's changed. We still laugh about nothing and love one another.
5. My Sister In Law: Amazingly things are about the same. We're friends but haven't really crossed that line into being close. I'd like to be but let life get in the way of making an effort to get together for coffee or playdates.
6. My First Job Best Friend: She's moved on by now as well. We don't talk as much. Definitely don't go out as much. But she's consistent and there if I need to vent or laugh or drink (and yes, I believe we all need a good friend to drink with)
7. My College Best Friend/Roommate: Yikes. It all started with a shopping outing after class and we were inseparable for four/five years. Then she met a guy...and I met my husband...and I got engaged...and all she could say was how nice it was that we could share a bed on a big family vacation. Haven't heard from her since my wedding day. We still live in the same city but I'm not even sure what I'd say at this point if our paths crossed.
So my big question is: Should I blame my marriage for wrecking some friendships?
1. Matron of Honor: My oldest sister plays a larger role than she did. Although we may never have nor will sit and giggle about boys or gossip, I know she'll be there if I come right out and ask her to be.
2. Maid of Honor: My middle sister. She has played the role of best friend since we got mom to buy us Heather and Amy at Skagway. And she's the last person I expected to drift from. As much as I hate that our dream of living next door to each other in south Lincoln fading away, I still hope that we can one day get back to where we were, or at least appreciate how our relationship has evolved over time. She probably knows me or knew me better than anyone and I do feel a little void in my life where she once was. My biggest fear is that my marriage is to blame for our separation.
3. My Step-Daughter: She's 16 now and doesn't need me to be a mother. I'd like to be a friend but somehow the issues I have with both her father's and mother's parenting styles get in the way and make me feel like a shallow, horrible person. If you haven't caught this yet, our relationship is struggling for no apparent reason.
4. My Best Friend from High School: She lives states away now but every time we speak or email, it's like nothing's changed. We still laugh about nothing and love one another.
5. My Sister In Law: Amazingly things are about the same. We're friends but haven't really crossed that line into being close. I'd like to be but let life get in the way of making an effort to get together for coffee or playdates.
6. My First Job Best Friend: She's moved on by now as well. We don't talk as much. Definitely don't go out as much. But she's consistent and there if I need to vent or laugh or drink (and yes, I believe we all need a good friend to drink with)
7. My College Best Friend/Roommate: Yikes. It all started with a shopping outing after class and we were inseparable for four/five years. Then she met a guy...and I met my husband...and I got engaged...and all she could say was how nice it was that we could share a bed on a big family vacation. Haven't heard from her since my wedding day. We still live in the same city but I'm not even sure what I'd say at this point if our paths crossed.
So my big question is: Should I blame my marriage for wrecking some friendships?
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