Overcoming growth pains

I've pretty much always considered myself a passive-aggressive person. Maybe it's the woman in me. Or maybe I really am just a bitch, but I've never really had the guts to really open up about being hurt or confused or just really wanting to get to the heart of an issue. But even at nearly 30, I have an opportunity to change that. And I made a start, today.

This week has been a whirlwind. I got a taste of the old days last Saturday while tailgating with my 'old' girls crowd, which always gets me a little sad that those days are few and far between. Then there's all the work for a new account at work, which is hard for me in that I have confidence issues going into new areas. And I had three client presentations...a terrible internal creative review session...Oh, and don't forget the drama of hearing that two extended-family members were diagnosed with the dreaded H1N1 this week. Needless to say, I'm a little sensitive and very high strung.

Needless to say, I've done my share of complaining this week and needed some clarity.

And it came this morning around 8:30. A man I work with stopped in and just starting telling me about his week. About his frustrations and drama. About what he felt he needed to change. As he spoke, I began to see clearer. I realized that while I was feeling like he had failed me earlier in the week, he was actually just trying to figure out some things. He was feeling just as lost as I was. So to keep with the sharing atmosphere, I began expressing how I felt about him and his ideas and where he felt he needed to change.

I was completely honest and didn't sugar-coat things. I actually apologized for feeling anger toward him earlier in the week as it shouldn't have been directed his way. It was one of those great conversations where you realize you're not alone and that it's okay to feel angry or disappointed as long as you express it to that person instead of others who don't really understand the situation.

I feel lighter today. And as tired and drained as I am, I'm also feeling pretty inspired and energized by the whole thing. Maybe this moment of growth will open a whole new side of positivity in me so that I can spread the wealth instead of wallowing in self-pity.

A refresher course in friendship

This past weekend, I met up with my sisters and a friend to partake in an old tradition, tailgating for our local football team. Seven years ago, this was an every weekend event from September through mid-November. This year, it'll probably be the only one...(my how times change).

As my girls and I made our way to a local establishment to watch the game, we ran into an old friend of mine. More specifically, my college roommate from the dorms. We had remained in touch on and off over the years, however, she and her husband moved to the Twin Cities a year or so ago, making it harder to keep up on day to day life.

We immediately hugged and did the traditional girly squeals before she headed off to actually attend the game. After promising to meet up afterwards, we went our separate ways. Several drinks and a depressing loss later, my girls and I wound up at another traditional football Saturday site--an outdoor venue with a rockin' band. It was great and my roommate joined us. It was one of those rare occasions where you just pick up where you left off. No excuses or false promises. Just chatting about our lives today without spending time trying to recount old times just to make conversation. It was natural and easy and I truly appreciated every moment of it.

Our night ended and I haven't spoken to her yet, although I feel confident that the next time our paths cross, it will be the same. She's one of those rare friends we make that never judge. Never expect anything from you. And are just glad you can have fun and be there for one another when it's most important. These days we need people like that to remind us that true friendship still exists and can live through all the different phases of our lives.

Expectations

I've been involved in several conversations lately where the term expectations has seemed to become a major topic. Expectations at work, in our relationships, even from strangers.

I'd like to believe I have high expectations of all of the above. I would like to believe that everyone I work with cares as much as I do. I hope that my spouse and relatives are considerate of others and have some sense of wanting to help others and do what's right and fair. And I am really trying to hold onto the idea that even strangers are decent people and appreciate a helping hand from time to time.

But the truth is, as much as I hate to even voice it, no one really cares. I think it's once again a case of everyone being so caught up in their own agendas that we fail to recognize an opportunity to show common courtesy. A prime example is that one night last week, I was meeting my husband and children at a local pizza place. It was raining and my son was hauling around something like 20 paper airplanes...all of which he insisted go home with us. So I was frantically trying to put them in the car before going into the pizza joint when a few escaped me and blew across the parking lot. I scurried around in the rain, saved the planet from a few more loose pieces of trash and made it to the door in time to hold it open for an older woman who witnessed the whole thing. I smiled, embarrassed that she had just watched me race around in the rain in 3 inch heels. And she didn't thank me for holding the door. In fact, she seemed annoyed that I was standing in her way.

So much for having expectations.

But on a deeper level, I often question my expectations, or lack there of in my marriage. It's been pointed out to me that I often just continue to clean, cook and manage my household without much help. And instead of fighting it, I generally just take it because it's easier than dealing with it. I had never really considered that as lowering or dissolving any expectations I had, however, now I question whether or not I'm really living what I preach. And if I'm not, then does that make me weak or a team player?

There seems to be an extremely fine line when it comes to expectations and just plain old common courtesy. And the older I get, the more confused I am about which is which.

Time to let go.

I have a mental list of all the things I wanted to change or accomplish around the time I turn 30. One, and perhaps the most significant, items on my list is to be more upfront and honest. I have a habit of sugar-coating things. Of forgiving too easily (in some cases). And just being too much of a wuss. And I had the most perfect chance. No, make that two chances to change this weekend.

My little family and I were at the mall Sunday afternoon and my step-daughter and I happened to be coming up some escalators at the most perfect time. When we got to the top, I had a clear, direct line to my college roommate-a woman who hasn't spoken to me since my wedding day.

As soon as we made eye contact, I turned toward the door of the store and started telling my step-daughter all about it. About how she hated that I got engaged. How she didn't want to participate in my wedding planning. And how she kicked me out of our appartment a month before the wedding. Still, after the wedding, I left voicemails. Sent holiday cards...even a birthday card.

And just about the time I got done with the story, we found my husband and children and turned to leave and there she was again. The difference is that I had plenty of time to speak up. To say Hi and see how she'd react. Seriously, it's been just short of five years. Instead, I froze up and just stared at her. I watched as she walked by within two feet of me. And I saw how she forced her eyes away from my stare.

I've been stewing about the ordeal ever since. With all the social media and Google, I know I could contact her. I could ask all the questions I have. But with her looking away, I'm guessing that's just another way she's letting me know she's not interested. She wasn't then and she's not now. So how come I can't let it go? How come I can get over stuff that really matters but I can't let go of a friendship?

So maybe instead of working on finding all the answers I just need to work on letting go. Closing the door to that chapter of my life. To some of the people that I cared most about. But in walking away, am I closing the door on that fun, spontaneous, and slightly wild girl?

I hope not.

The definition of loyalty.

In the many areas of our lives, loyalty seems to play a large, yet unspoken role. Our friendships evolve or dissolve based on the level of loyalty we feel either for or from a person we care about. The same is true with our jobs. If we feel good about the company and that we can trust that they're sort of looking out for us too, we're loyal to them. And in families, loyalty can make or break you.

So what if a family is torn or is in the process of being torn apart? How do you choose a side to be loyal to? You're all blood. You all have history. And I can't help but think there's always a certain level of care or love that just can't be completely crushed. If you choose a side, does that mean that you're choosing a side for your children as well, and in doing so, you're also eliminating the option for them to make their own decisions. You're preventing them from creating some kind of history or memory of these people you used to care about. And quite possibly ten years from now if you happen to share a story about those people, your children will have no idea who you're talking about.

It's incredibly confusing. Even more ridiculous. And just plain sad.