Sunday, January 22, 2012

Happiness is not a fish you can catch...

I realize that I've used this song title as a blog entry title before but after spending the last half hour reading through some of my past stories, I'm reminded of this truth.

I have tried hard to let go of my twentynine something blog. I wanted to believe that it's no longer who I am but I'm clearly wrong. Much of what I've written, I still feel at times. And even a year after our big life change, I'm still hurting. Still wondering. Still hopeful.

My relationship with my mother has improved, although I do find myself focusing on the positive changes in my professional life. When I'm asked about our decision to move, my immediate reaction is that of my children's happiness. They are happy. Right now, that's what matters most to me. My husband's business is going well...I'm still searching for signs of passion. But maybe I need to realize that not everyone needs to feel passionate about what they're doing. I have a hard time buying into that but I suppose it could be true.

Myself, I'm caught in a job that has great potential...for me to expand my capabilities and impact on the greater good...but one that makes me question the bigger picture I have for myself. My freelance is at an all-time high, which now I wish I had more time to work on it. And I have a few fun volunteer opportunities that again, I wish I had more time to pursue.

I feel like this is the same story, eighty-second verse. I just can't grasp why I feel so indecisive. So unsure. And at the end of the day, am I really just creating the unhappiness myself because I'm scared of how happy we could be?

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