The saying goes that girls spend their adolescence dreaming and planning their wedding. Every detail, from the man to the dress and flowers. Myself, I remember spending much of my time dreaming of getting away from the farm I grew up on. Moving to a city and pursuing some career as part of corporate America.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a terrible childhood. I was loved and well taken care of. I learned a ton about work ethic and making your own success. And I appreciate the earth and the value farmers provide to our society, as well as the charm of rural life. Even still, my thoughts were always on the concrete and fast-pace of the city...or as close to it as I could get.
Today, I'm living in a small rental home that is old and half the size of where I came from. I have no office to go to; just a desk in my living room. I have no reason to wear fun clothes or even wash my face if I don't want to. And as part of my compromise with this move was to spend more time with my children in the hope of eliminating the guilt I was feeling of choosing my work over my children for the past five years. But now, I see how little people value mothers that spend time with their kids while others are at work. I feel less valuable and less intelligent and less confident.
I feel that marriage and life in general is about relationships and compromise and working together to create an overall better life/higher quality of life for those you care about. But at what point does that compromise turn into sacrifice...I haven't figured that one out yet and I'm not sure how to find that answer.
The temporary answer from everyone, including myself, is to give it time. But there's another question...how much time? How long does it take to figure out if this limbo will lead to a wonderful end? So while my husband will continue on in his oblivious state, I'll go on in my never-ending worry and heartache for that dream I had a million years ago that I just let go of four months ago.
It's what I'm lovingly calling Identity Purgatory.
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