I've been working from home for about four months now. In a tiny house and without a real desk for half of that time. Really, I bought the desk to try and help boost how I was feeling about the whole work from home thing. And I do love it.
Here's my issue: I work (usually) 40 hours a week for both a contracted employer as well as some freelance gigs here and there. Oh, and I'm sort of writing a book. I have no big pressure to move into a larger home. No major deadlines right now. All my balls are high up in the air. And yet, I find myself struggling to even decide what to have for lunch most days.
I have learned that all of this alone time with my own thoughts has lead to some shyness and added insecurity. But it also seems to be resulting in a whole lot of blah. It's like I don't care enough about much of anything to push myself in any confirmed direction. I've honestly been claiming that I'm lazy...something that I'm not sure I've ever been. And I'm not quite sure that's the right word. It's more just blah. I'm surrounded by it. It's pretty darn heavy and hard to move.
At this point, I'm just hoping this indecisiveness or blah isn't a permanent change to who I am.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Can dreams really change?
The saying goes that girls spend their adolescence dreaming and planning their wedding. Every detail, from the man to the dress and flowers. Myself, I remember spending much of my time dreaming of getting away from the farm I grew up on. Moving to a city and pursuing some career as part of corporate America.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a terrible childhood. I was loved and well taken care of. I learned a ton about work ethic and making your own success. And I appreciate the earth and the value farmers provide to our society, as well as the charm of rural life. Even still, my thoughts were always on the concrete and fast-pace of the city...or as close to it as I could get.
Today, I'm living in a small rental home that is old and half the size of where I came from. I have no office to go to; just a desk in my living room. I have no reason to wear fun clothes or even wash my face if I don't want to. And as part of my compromise with this move was to spend more time with my children in the hope of eliminating the guilt I was feeling of choosing my work over my children for the past five years. But now, I see how little people value mothers that spend time with their kids while others are at work. I feel less valuable and less intelligent and less confident.
I feel that marriage and life in general is about relationships and compromise and working together to create an overall better life/higher quality of life for those you care about. But at what point does that compromise turn into sacrifice...I haven't figured that one out yet and I'm not sure how to find that answer.
The temporary answer from everyone, including myself, is to give it time. But there's another question...how much time? How long does it take to figure out if this limbo will lead to a wonderful end? So while my husband will continue on in his oblivious state, I'll go on in my never-ending worry and heartache for that dream I had a million years ago that I just let go of four months ago.
It's what I'm lovingly calling Identity Purgatory.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a terrible childhood. I was loved and well taken care of. I learned a ton about work ethic and making your own success. And I appreciate the earth and the value farmers provide to our society, as well as the charm of rural life. Even still, my thoughts were always on the concrete and fast-pace of the city...or as close to it as I could get.
Today, I'm living in a small rental home that is old and half the size of where I came from. I have no office to go to; just a desk in my living room. I have no reason to wear fun clothes or even wash my face if I don't want to. And as part of my compromise with this move was to spend more time with my children in the hope of eliminating the guilt I was feeling of choosing my work over my children for the past five years. But now, I see how little people value mothers that spend time with their kids while others are at work. I feel less valuable and less intelligent and less confident.
I feel that marriage and life in general is about relationships and compromise and working together to create an overall better life/higher quality of life for those you care about. But at what point does that compromise turn into sacrifice...I haven't figured that one out yet and I'm not sure how to find that answer.
The temporary answer from everyone, including myself, is to give it time. But there's another question...how much time? How long does it take to figure out if this limbo will lead to a wonderful end? So while my husband will continue on in his oblivious state, I'll go on in my never-ending worry and heartache for that dream I had a million years ago that I just let go of four months ago.
It's what I'm lovingly calling Identity Purgatory.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Lightening Up
I attended a jewelry party over the weekend and, while it was very uncomfortable, it forced me to step back a little bit. The questions all began with: How are you adjusting to small town life?
Although I answered it many times over in a two hour time period, I've been thinking about it ever since. And I also realized that this could be a good time to reflect on what I've learned so far...in a fun, entertaining way:
1. A majority of men I've met are named Jim or Jerry...and maybe a few Larry's.
2. Everyone knew my name before I arrived; which makes it even harder to remember theirs.
3. There's a funeral every week...ten days max.
4. Most people seem to be related in some way, or somehow they have the same last name but claim to be unrelated.
5. If you have a 23-county or 26-county license plate, you wave at them.
6. At 31, I'm considered "Young People" (and I eat it up every time)
7. High school girls, even if they're 16, still babysit.
8. I haven't met anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheel drive vehicle.
9. People sit in the same spot every Sunday.
10. People go out of their way to help me find a job in my field...stopping by our house with emails, calling or telling my in-laws to share the information.
Although I answered it many times over in a two hour time period, I've been thinking about it ever since. And I also realized that this could be a good time to reflect on what I've learned so far...in a fun, entertaining way:
1. A majority of men I've met are named Jim or Jerry...and maybe a few Larry's.
2. Everyone knew my name before I arrived; which makes it even harder to remember theirs.
3. There's a funeral every week...ten days max.
4. Most people seem to be related in some way, or somehow they have the same last name but claim to be unrelated.
5. If you have a 23-county or 26-county license plate, you wave at them.
6. At 31, I'm considered "Young People" (and I eat it up every time)
7. High school girls, even if they're 16, still babysit.
8. I haven't met anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheel drive vehicle.
9. People sit in the same spot every Sunday.
10. People go out of their way to help me find a job in my field...stopping by our house with emails, calling or telling my in-laws to share the information.
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