Parental Selfishness

I hate myself a little tonight. I finally had a good, busy day at work after an uphill battle that seemed to be taking forever to reach the peak...the recession is in full swing. Needless to say, I was exhausted mentally and really feeling pretty tired physically (I got up at 5 this morning only to go lay in bed with my son).

Caden wanted to play outside from the moment we got home; that is, after he was informed that we got home too late to watch Curious George. It was drizzling. Dad came inside to relax. And baby sister was having a rough night.

Finally, knowing that I needed to get out and run a few miles since I failed to get outside earlier, and knowing that only bad parents have their children watch TV all night, I went out with my boy. All he wanted to do was swing-which is amazing. He finally has the foot kick mastered. He loves to go high...and can do so without sliding out of the seat. I'm proud and yet still very anxious to have some 'me' time. So I ask if he can swing alone for awhile so I can go run. He's fine with it and is playing happily as I walk away. Myself, I'm feeling guilty and evil and yet a little relieved all at once.

My jog kind of sucked. I got a side ache after about a mile and a half. And I began to worry about him getting caught in the swing or falling from his fort...or something worse. So after a brief two miles, I headed home. He heard me coming and hollered for me to join him over by the fort. He was examining bugs and having a great time...again, I felt a great sense of guilt. I can choose running over my son and he still gets excited to see me.

I guess I don't really understand how, as children, we can be so accepting and now as adults we're so focused on ourselves? I find myself wanting to escape a lot lately, and it's horrid but the honest truth. For as genuine and caring and unselfish as our children are, I'm still craving to be alone. To figure out who I am at this stage in my life...and it makes me wonder if I'm better for it or worse...